Sometimes I'd just like to dissapear. You know... just all of a sudden go and forget everything behind me; keep walking until my feet hurt and then keep walking even more. I'd have my chin held high with motivation blinking in my eyes, having that decision of abandonment in my mind.

It does sound aweful, or just plain stupid at least. To just abandon everything and everybody I know and hit the road with nothing but the clothes on my back. But in my mind it sounds wonderful from time to time. Maybe I am crazy... maybe I am ungrateful. Maybe I shouldn't think about it. I don't know...

So my paintings are now on display in the local art gallery... Kind of funny, to be honest. I went to the launch today, and this reporter asked if they could possibly get an interview from me, lol. :P

Well, I don't really have very much to say atm, I've been a bit sick lately and my head isn't very right. I can't focus on one specific thing, so I keep forgetting what I want to write. :P

Anyway, I promised the last two paintings from the collection of 3, and so here they are. :)

I am extremely tired right now, and I just got off a video call with Noobie - we made funny faces for like an hour and then he showed me some maps he made in StarCraft. I also watched him play Minecraft, and I think I am safe to say that he sucks at that game. But it was so hilarious!! xD Gawsh, sry Noobie, I just thought it was so funny! xD

I don't know why I'm blogging right now, I guess I just felt the need to talk a bit. Nothing serious, no sad feelings hanging above my head. Just a bit of excitement I guess. :P
Can't wait for July! Then the real fun is going to happen, hehe!! I know it's still a while away, and I still have soooo much to do until then, but it's something to look forward to. :)

Lalala... I guess random talk about recent happenings isn't so odd right now. :P So I'll just start with w/e floats through my brain. :P
Today I had a major test, but I was so completely bored... I started daydreaming through half of it, and it took me about 10 minutes to realize and snap out of it!
Now, of course, I'm curious how badly I'll fail that test, lol.

Also, Monday is the day when my paintings will be shown in the local art gallery alongside with the rest of my class. I'm curious how things will go, to be honest. My dad still has to help me make the frames for the remaining 2 paintings from the collection (I uploaded the finished one a few days ago in a recent post).
I'll try to make pictures of them soon, once they're finished, so I can show you guys. :)

So this is the second painting from the Man and Nature collection. It's a silly collection of 3 paintings I had to do for my art exam.
To be honest, I just want to get this whole art exam over with, lol.
My friend helped me a bit with this one, cause I was inspirationally stuck. She did the yellow part of the skirt and came up with the idea to put the red paper in the "w/e-you-call-it" that the character is holding.
The format is 50/70 cm and I used water colours and acryl for the colouring. Those little balls you see sticking on the skirt and next to her shoe are made from newspaper. I'm amazed they stuck to the painting, to be honest, lol. Although, I did use, like, a ton of liquid glue, lol. :P
I'm still working on the first and second painting. Gotta finish them by Monday...

I just don't get it... My sister is always mad at me because I refuse to cook and refuse to eat a bunch of things I don't like when I don't have to.
I hate cooking! I suck at it, everytime I tried it it ended in disaster...

She's probably right, the doctor said that I have to eat this and that then and like so. But I am not going to make my entire day about thinking about what I am going to eat next! Leave alone cook it all for myself. It's just ridiculous... I am not a food person who loves being in the kitchen and providing tasty meals for their loved ones. Not a chance, I am not that kinda person. My cooking skills suck!

So now my sister is off to the store to buy food, even though we have stuff left in the fridge that I am allowed to eat, so she can make dinner. I told her not to, that it's not necesarry, but I can't talk her out of it. I don't get why it's such a big deal anyway. As long as I don't eat the stuff I'm not allowed to eat I'm fine. As long as I keep losing weight I'm fine. That's the whole point of the diet, right? To lose weight...

I sound stupid, I can hear it myself. But even though I have a dozen arguments against my own words right now, I can't change the way I think about it, can't convince myself that I'm wrong even though I know I am. I guess that's stubborn me again...

I'll go off and do the dishes now, at least there will be some use to who I am. Screw the rest of my identity.

Two hearts together and they're not even red.
Red isn't your favorite colour so why should they be.
Yellow and pink they are...
which is rather ironic since I never liked pink and you never liked yellow.
But I think that now that's how it is supposed to be;
For two colours we dislike to represent us.


Two teacups carry us on their white skins.
Pure white teacups with the two of us in their company.
I know you love tea,
a real tea-person you are, my friend
and so these teacups now represent the life in front of us.


Take everything together, love, throw it on that glass table neither of us own
but wish we had, together.
You'll find that everything that we dislike about ourselves is still worthy to be carried
by the pureness of love
You see now, our two hearts, our disliked yellow and pink...
they are both in care of life's teacups, filled with sweet tea that we love.


My sweet friend, I love you, and I want you to understand
that your yellow heart is dear to me as I know my pink heart is to you
I hope that soon we can be together and have a glass table in our home
A glass table where everyday we can place our teacups
and heartaches
and solve it all together, with love.


~for Andreea V.

Thank you to deme29 for giving approval to use this wonderful image. :)
http://deme29.deviantart.com/

Everytime I think I bounced a bit back up top I end up in the same place again - sitting in my room in front of the computer watching TV-shows, wishing I had a life like theirs. Full of adventure, love, grief... full of things to live for.
It's rather selfish, to be honest, making it sound like I have nothing around me that is worth living for. Because that's not true... The people around me are worth living for. I'm just stupid and have my head filled with ridiculous fairytales.
Still, that doesn't change the fact that every single time I end up back in here, on this chair, in front of this screen. Feeling alone in the dark and out of place in this house, this family. I know that what I feel is wrong, I know that what I think is selfish and absurd, but still... I can't change it.

Over the years - yes, years - I have had people tell me that I'm not alone, that they care about me and all that kinda stuff. It's not that I don't believe them, but it never works out. At first I figured that it was their fault, they are to be blamed for my misery, but of course later I came to the conclusion that it's not that way. I can't blame them. It was all me.

Lately, whenever I end up in this room again I have always come to the conclusion that it's my fault. It's my fault that I push people away, that I fill my head with stupidness, that I get depressed. All my own fault. I wished everything was different, that I was different and could accept everything around me and not take it for granted. But I can't change who I am... not without help, and I reject every person who wants to help me. And I can't change that.

Recent events have brought up my defenses again and now I don't trust people enough to get close to me anymore. I stay away from people, and I act in such a way that they stay away from me. My trust and feeling of safety around other people is shattered and I can't undo what I've done and let happen.
To be honest, I don't really care too much about how my behaviour affects other people right now. I feel like I have lost my safety in my own house and I can't get it back because the threat is still here and will be for another while. I am really sorry for hurting others because of my "defense mechanism", but for a while now I have been able to tune it down a notch and then suddenly something so stupid happens and boom! all firewalls up again. So now, I don't care about everything else because I'm in my bubble and the only thing existant in there is me.

And that's how we get back to selfishness...
My head is one loop of the same things over and over. It's like I'm in a cycle and can't stop. The song Circle of Life from the Lion King comes to mind right now, but that's something too optimistic and unrelated right now, lol.

I should stop talking and go to bed. My head feels like an anvil. Haven't taken my pills today and yesterday I found out I gained another 1.5 kg. Not too surprising, I did eat a whole pizza the night before. Blah! :P
I'm out...