Looping

Everytime I think I bounced a bit back up top I end up in the same place again - sitting in my room in front of the computer watching TV-shows, wishing I had a life like theirs. Full of adventure, love, grief... full of things to live for.
It's rather selfish, to be honest, making it sound like I have nothing around me that is worth living for. Because that's not true... The people around me are worth living for. I'm just stupid and have my head filled with ridiculous fairytales.
Still, that doesn't change the fact that every single time I end up back in here, on this chair, in front of this screen. Feeling alone in the dark and out of place in this house, this family. I know that what I feel is wrong, I know that what I think is selfish and absurd, but still... I can't change it.

Over the years - yes, years - I have had people tell me that I'm not alone, that they care about me and all that kinda stuff. It's not that I don't believe them, but it never works out. At first I figured that it was their fault, they are to be blamed for my misery, but of course later I came to the conclusion that it's not that way. I can't blame them. It was all me.

Lately, whenever I end up in this room again I have always come to the conclusion that it's my fault. It's my fault that I push people away, that I fill my head with stupidness, that I get depressed. All my own fault. I wished everything was different, that I was different and could accept everything around me and not take it for granted. But I can't change who I am... not without help, and I reject every person who wants to help me. And I can't change that.

Recent events have brought up my defenses again and now I don't trust people enough to get close to me anymore. I stay away from people, and I act in such a way that they stay away from me. My trust and feeling of safety around other people is shattered and I can't undo what I've done and let happen.
To be honest, I don't really care too much about how my behaviour affects other people right now. I feel like I have lost my safety in my own house and I can't get it back because the threat is still here and will be for another while. I am really sorry for hurting others because of my "defense mechanism", but for a while now I have been able to tune it down a notch and then suddenly something so stupid happens and boom! all firewalls up again. So now, I don't care about everything else because I'm in my bubble and the only thing existant in there is me.

And that's how we get back to selfishness...
My head is one loop of the same things over and over. It's like I'm in a cycle and can't stop. The song Circle of Life from the Lion King comes to mind right now, but that's something too optimistic and unrelated right now, lol.

I should stop talking and go to bed. My head feels like an anvil. Haven't taken my pills today and yesterday I found out I gained another 1.5 kg. Not too surprising, I did eat a whole pizza the night before. Blah! :P
I'm out...