Two hearts together and they're not even red.
Red isn't your favorite colour so why should they be.
Yellow and pink they are...
which is rather ironic since I never liked pink and you never liked yellow.
But I think that now that's how it is supposed to be;
For two colours we dislike to represent us.


Two teacups carry us on their white skins.
Pure white teacups with the two of us in their company.
I know you love tea,
a real tea-person you are, my friend
and so these teacups now represent the life in front of us.


Take everything together, love, throw it on that glass table neither of us own
but wish we had, together.
You'll find that everything that we dislike about ourselves is still worthy to be carried
by the pureness of love
You see now, our two hearts, our disliked yellow and pink...
they are both in care of life's teacups, filled with sweet tea that we love.


My sweet friend, I love you, and I want you to understand
that your yellow heart is dear to me as I know my pink heart is to you
I hope that soon we can be together and have a glass table in our home
A glass table where everyday we can place our teacups
and heartaches
and solve it all together, with love.


~for Andreea V.

Thank you to deme29 for giving approval to use this wonderful image. :)
http://deme29.deviantart.com/

Everytime I think I bounced a bit back up top I end up in the same place again - sitting in my room in front of the computer watching TV-shows, wishing I had a life like theirs. Full of adventure, love, grief... full of things to live for.
It's rather selfish, to be honest, making it sound like I have nothing around me that is worth living for. Because that's not true... The people around me are worth living for. I'm just stupid and have my head filled with ridiculous fairytales.
Still, that doesn't change the fact that every single time I end up back in here, on this chair, in front of this screen. Feeling alone in the dark and out of place in this house, this family. I know that what I feel is wrong, I know that what I think is selfish and absurd, but still... I can't change it.

Over the years - yes, years - I have had people tell me that I'm not alone, that they care about me and all that kinda stuff. It's not that I don't believe them, but it never works out. At first I figured that it was their fault, they are to be blamed for my misery, but of course later I came to the conclusion that it's not that way. I can't blame them. It was all me.

Lately, whenever I end up in this room again I have always come to the conclusion that it's my fault. It's my fault that I push people away, that I fill my head with stupidness, that I get depressed. All my own fault. I wished everything was different, that I was different and could accept everything around me and not take it for granted. But I can't change who I am... not without help, and I reject every person who wants to help me. And I can't change that.

Recent events have brought up my defenses again and now I don't trust people enough to get close to me anymore. I stay away from people, and I act in such a way that they stay away from me. My trust and feeling of safety around other people is shattered and I can't undo what I've done and let happen.
To be honest, I don't really care too much about how my behaviour affects other people right now. I feel like I have lost my safety in my own house and I can't get it back because the threat is still here and will be for another while. I am really sorry for hurting others because of my "defense mechanism", but for a while now I have been able to tune it down a notch and then suddenly something so stupid happens and boom! all firewalls up again. So now, I don't care about everything else because I'm in my bubble and the only thing existant in there is me.

And that's how we get back to selfishness...
My head is one loop of the same things over and over. It's like I'm in a cycle and can't stop. The song Circle of Life from the Lion King comes to mind right now, but that's something too optimistic and unrelated right now, lol.

I should stop talking and go to bed. My head feels like an anvil. Haven't taken my pills today and yesterday I found out I gained another 1.5 kg. Not too surprising, I did eat a whole pizza the night before. Blah! :P
I'm out...

When I came home tonight it was to an empty appartment.
I was glad. In the 18 years of my life I cannot remember a time when I came home and it was so peaceful. So quiet, so silent... everything was so still.

My head was spinning of a foreign excitement when I turned the key in the lock and opened that door. All I saw was darkness. No TV was running, no computer was turned on. There were no familiar footsteps to be heard. Everything was still and I could feel the peace flowing from those rooms right through me, a feeling I have never felt before when I entered a house.

When I turned on the kitchen lights everything was a mess, but I didn't care. When I went into the livingroom the floor was covered with random stuff lying around with no purpose, I didn't care. In the bedroom the bedsheets were torn off and thrown on the floor and the table was filled with dishes that didn't belong there, I still didn't care.
The house was mine for the night, and mine alone.

It's so strange, being in this messed up appartment, and yet feel so calm and peaceful. I actually look forward to tomorrow when I can clean everything, without the mocking eyes of my family or any other person watching my every move. Without TV blasting its soundwaves through my brain, without the presence of any other being around me.

All alone and yet I feel good. I don't feel any loneliness. I just feel a time, short as it may be, in which I can think quietly and talk with my Lord. Some quiet time, finally.
I hope to be able to spend these hours I have thinking about my future, discussing about my future, questioning my next move in life.

I am grateful for this peaceful feeling that has come over me tonight, and I hope you, my dearest readers, will experience it as well sometime. May not be by entering an empty house, lol... probably won't be, but I hope you'll experience it. :)

This is a video I did a while ago.
The theme is from a horror based game called F.E.A.R. and it's pretty creepy, so don't watch the video if you don't like creepy stuff xD

Well, the music is not my own, it's a mix of the original music from the game, a song called Alma's Music Box, however most of the lyrics are my own and I'm singing them. :)
The video images were made by Yoel, thanks again, Noobie! :D

The original doesn't have any lyrics or voice and I found none on Youtube where the song, in so many different variations, does have a voice, so I decided to be the first to add voice to it then, and see what people think about it. :)



P.S. Be afraid of Alma... be very afraid!
(couldn't help myself! (angel))

Been drawing with soft pastel lately. Gah, my hands get so extremely dirty all the time, and I keep forgetting not to touch anything! xD

I'm not very good with pastel though. I'm not quite sure how to use it.
Anyway... my first attempts with soft pastel aren't too extremely bad, I think.
What do you guys think? :P

The bird is the first one I did. This one I rather like. :)






The fox looks too nooby to me, I don't really like it too much... But w/e, it's an attempts, so :P

"Look ppl, new template!!" - 5 days later - "omg look, new template!!"

Lol, sorry people, I couldn't restrain myself. I needed a new template! Wow, I make it sound like I have OCD or something :P

I need a new template, aaaahhhh!!!!!!

Lol, nah. But I did mention last time that I'd change it again soon. So there, winkydoodle, or whatever the name of that dinosaur from my previous template was, he's gone to bed. :P

I hope I won't be changing templates too soon anymore, else it'll get all confusing for me as well, lol.
So well, I hope you like the new one. ;)
Cheers!

I was browsing through deviantART when I randomly clicked the Random Deviant button. And guess who I found there, so randomly!!

Nobody specific... :p

However, that person did critique a certain picture, and when I saw that picture...!
I had randomly bumped on the most awesome series of Alice in Wonderland inspired pictures I had ever seen in my life.
I am still awe struck with how great these pictures are, and I'm still all O_O.....

The colours, the materials, the effects, the expressions... They all add up to the best pictures I've seen on deviantART so far.
They really are awesome, and the model is very beautiful and creative with her costumes, her makeup, her entire setup.
It really is worth seeing; not only these pictures but the rest of them as well.
I highly recommend visiting her page.

Artist: http://ophelias-overdose.deviantart.com/

Ceshire Cat

Queen of Hearts

Catterpillar

Alice

Mad Hatter