Broken... abandoned. When those are the words you use to describe how you feel you automatically feel all alone with not a soul out there to help you. You wish it would never happen to you, you try to avoid it as much as possible, but then suddenly it's there; and you can't stop it.

You start having thoughts that scare you, thoughts that add to the loneliness, thoughts that haunt your every breath. 

"Nobody wants me... they left me alone... I'm useless... not worthy of anybody's affection... not worthy of love and life itself!"

Oh, those words... those thoughts that are like ghost whispers in the wind.

I've felt like that countless times. In the past; my childhood. Even now those thought-demons still haunt the dark corners of my mind, waiting for a situation to strike so they can jump out and create those unbearable, chaotic moments. Then I hear them scream with evil pleasure telling me I'm nothing, nothing! And I feel that there is nobody around me to help. 

It's so strange to hear annoyingly loud screaming inside my mind and complete silence outside of it.

Never have I had people to go to when I was feeling these pains. At first I was just hiding it, then I realized nobody actually understood it anyway. I tried... but I always ended up in more pain.

It took me a long time to realize that people who could tell me things like "Don't think like that! Of course you're not worthless, you're special!" aren't the only remedy to my pain. 

I found that taking my closest friend - my golden retriever - out into nature saved me from my agony. I could feel her warmth when we were out there. I could feel the magic of the trees and the grass embrace me and cradle me like a mother would her child. I could talk about anything, and feel like I was understood. I would receive answers. Out there, in that sweet embrace of nature and it's belongings I felt love; and I knew that God was smiling down on me. Out there I didn't feel alone. I was broken and abandoned with no one to understand; then I was welcomed by the silent voices of fauna and flora.

photo by Jana Weyts