3 days

I couldn't keep it away; that mood I told you about from my last post. It got through the little defense lines I had, and it's been devouring me for 3 days now.
I haven't gone to school, I haven't gone out of the house, I haven't worked on my paintings, I haven't done anything I should have been doing. I've just been playing computer games and watching TV shows until 5 in the morning.
I wish it would stop. I wish it would go away and leave me alone. I'm not even sure what "it" is.
I just want to be able to look at myself in the mirror and smile. Just smile at myself and others.

I was told that the reason why there is never anybody there when I need them is because I've got to learn to take care of myself without any help. I agree, that's the reason. It's how life works, can't change it.
It's what I've been doing for 11 years now. For 11 long years I've been taking care of myself without any help from anybody else, and here I am. Still broken. So... life isn't fair.
Funny thing is I can't even say that line with anger anymore. I've accepted it: life isn't fair. A mother and a child are both hungry, starving, but the child dies. Is that fair? No... life isn't fair. And there's nothing we can do to change about it, as much as we'd like to be able to. It's life and it's a bitch.

The way I've known life for the past 11 years; it wasn't fair. Maybe I make things worse than they seem though, who knows. Maybe I live in a paradise and shouldn't feel this threatened by my surroundings, my family. Maybe I should listen to those people who've been through a lot themselves too and who tell me that I should be pleased with what I have.
Well... what can I say. It's in the nature of the human to never be happy about what they have. I'm no different. However, all I want to do when I meet a person who tells me that I should be happy is to turn around and say "if you knew about my past you would throw that line in your own face.". But I never do, because again... it wouldn't be fair. And life is unfair enough already, no need for me to add more chaos.

I don't really know what I'm trying to say here. I don't even know if I have a point. I've just been stuck for 3 days and I'm still not showing signs of any recovery. I'm getting tired of it. I'm getting tired of having to fake it to my sister. And tonight I'll have to fake that smile for my dad as well.
I'm tired... exhausted; I don't know what to do anymore. And I'm not expecting any help either. I'm on my own.