Sometimes I'd just like to dissapear. You know... just all of a sudden go and forget everything behind me; keep walking until my feet hurt and then keep walking even more. I'd have my chin held high with motivation blinking in my eyes, having that decision of abandonment in my mind.

It does sound aweful, or just plain stupid at least. To just abandon everything and everybody I know and hit the road with nothing but the clothes on my back. But in my mind it sounds wonderful from time to time. Maybe I am crazy... maybe I am ungrateful. Maybe I shouldn't think about it. I don't know...

So my paintings are now on display in the local art gallery... Kind of funny, to be honest. I went to the launch today, and this reporter asked if they could possibly get an interview from me, lol. :P

Well, I don't really have very much to say atm, I've been a bit sick lately and my head isn't very right. I can't focus on one specific thing, so I keep forgetting what I want to write. :P

Anyway, I promised the last two paintings from the collection of 3, and so here they are. :)

I am extremely tired right now, and I just got off a video call with Noobie - we made funny faces for like an hour and then he showed me some maps he made in StarCraft. I also watched him play Minecraft, and I think I am safe to say that he sucks at that game. But it was so hilarious!! xD Gawsh, sry Noobie, I just thought it was so funny! xD

I don't know why I'm blogging right now, I guess I just felt the need to talk a bit. Nothing serious, no sad feelings hanging above my head. Just a bit of excitement I guess. :P
Can't wait for July! Then the real fun is going to happen, hehe!! I know it's still a while away, and I still have soooo much to do until then, but it's something to look forward to. :)

Lalala... I guess random talk about recent happenings isn't so odd right now. :P So I'll just start with w/e floats through my brain. :P
Today I had a major test, but I was so completely bored... I started daydreaming through half of it, and it took me about 10 minutes to realize and snap out of it!
Now, of course, I'm curious how badly I'll fail that test, lol.

Also, Monday is the day when my paintings will be shown in the local art gallery alongside with the rest of my class. I'm curious how things will go, to be honest. My dad still has to help me make the frames for the remaining 2 paintings from the collection (I uploaded the finished one a few days ago in a recent post).
I'll try to make pictures of them soon, once they're finished, so I can show you guys. :)

So this is the second painting from the Man and Nature collection. It's a silly collection of 3 paintings I had to do for my art exam.
To be honest, I just want to get this whole art exam over with, lol.
My friend helped me a bit with this one, cause I was inspirationally stuck. She did the yellow part of the skirt and came up with the idea to put the red paper in the "w/e-you-call-it" that the character is holding.
The format is 50/70 cm and I used water colours and acryl for the colouring. Those little balls you see sticking on the skirt and next to her shoe are made from newspaper. I'm amazed they stuck to the painting, to be honest, lol. Although, I did use, like, a ton of liquid glue, lol. :P
I'm still working on the first and second painting. Gotta finish them by Monday...

I just don't get it... My sister is always mad at me because I refuse to cook and refuse to eat a bunch of things I don't like when I don't have to.
I hate cooking! I suck at it, everytime I tried it it ended in disaster...

She's probably right, the doctor said that I have to eat this and that then and like so. But I am not going to make my entire day about thinking about what I am going to eat next! Leave alone cook it all for myself. It's just ridiculous... I am not a food person who loves being in the kitchen and providing tasty meals for their loved ones. Not a chance, I am not that kinda person. My cooking skills suck!

So now my sister is off to the store to buy food, even though we have stuff left in the fridge that I am allowed to eat, so she can make dinner. I told her not to, that it's not necesarry, but I can't talk her out of it. I don't get why it's such a big deal anyway. As long as I don't eat the stuff I'm not allowed to eat I'm fine. As long as I keep losing weight I'm fine. That's the whole point of the diet, right? To lose weight...

I sound stupid, I can hear it myself. But even though I have a dozen arguments against my own words right now, I can't change the way I think about it, can't convince myself that I'm wrong even though I know I am. I guess that's stubborn me again...

I'll go off and do the dishes now, at least there will be some use to who I am. Screw the rest of my identity.

Two hearts together and they're not even red.
Red isn't your favorite colour so why should they be.
Yellow and pink they are...
which is rather ironic since I never liked pink and you never liked yellow.
But I think that now that's how it is supposed to be;
For two colours we dislike to represent us.


Two teacups carry us on their white skins.
Pure white teacups with the two of us in their company.
I know you love tea,
a real tea-person you are, my friend
and so these teacups now represent the life in front of us.


Take everything together, love, throw it on that glass table neither of us own
but wish we had, together.
You'll find that everything that we dislike about ourselves is still worthy to be carried
by the pureness of love
You see now, our two hearts, our disliked yellow and pink...
they are both in care of life's teacups, filled with sweet tea that we love.


My sweet friend, I love you, and I want you to understand
that your yellow heart is dear to me as I know my pink heart is to you
I hope that soon we can be together and have a glass table in our home
A glass table where everyday we can place our teacups
and heartaches
and solve it all together, with love.


~for Andreea V.

Thank you to deme29 for giving approval to use this wonderful image. :)
http://deme29.deviantart.com/

Everytime I think I bounced a bit back up top I end up in the same place again - sitting in my room in front of the computer watching TV-shows, wishing I had a life like theirs. Full of adventure, love, grief... full of things to live for.
It's rather selfish, to be honest, making it sound like I have nothing around me that is worth living for. Because that's not true... The people around me are worth living for. I'm just stupid and have my head filled with ridiculous fairytales.
Still, that doesn't change the fact that every single time I end up back in here, on this chair, in front of this screen. Feeling alone in the dark and out of place in this house, this family. I know that what I feel is wrong, I know that what I think is selfish and absurd, but still... I can't change it.

Over the years - yes, years - I have had people tell me that I'm not alone, that they care about me and all that kinda stuff. It's not that I don't believe them, but it never works out. At first I figured that it was their fault, they are to be blamed for my misery, but of course later I came to the conclusion that it's not that way. I can't blame them. It was all me.

Lately, whenever I end up in this room again I have always come to the conclusion that it's my fault. It's my fault that I push people away, that I fill my head with stupidness, that I get depressed. All my own fault. I wished everything was different, that I was different and could accept everything around me and not take it for granted. But I can't change who I am... not without help, and I reject every person who wants to help me. And I can't change that.

Recent events have brought up my defenses again and now I don't trust people enough to get close to me anymore. I stay away from people, and I act in such a way that they stay away from me. My trust and feeling of safety around other people is shattered and I can't undo what I've done and let happen.
To be honest, I don't really care too much about how my behaviour affects other people right now. I feel like I have lost my safety in my own house and I can't get it back because the threat is still here and will be for another while. I am really sorry for hurting others because of my "defense mechanism", but for a while now I have been able to tune it down a notch and then suddenly something so stupid happens and boom! all firewalls up again. So now, I don't care about everything else because I'm in my bubble and the only thing existant in there is me.

And that's how we get back to selfishness...
My head is one loop of the same things over and over. It's like I'm in a cycle and can't stop. The song Circle of Life from the Lion King comes to mind right now, but that's something too optimistic and unrelated right now, lol.

I should stop talking and go to bed. My head feels like an anvil. Haven't taken my pills today and yesterday I found out I gained another 1.5 kg. Not too surprising, I did eat a whole pizza the night before. Blah! :P
I'm out...

When I came home tonight it was to an empty appartment.
I was glad. In the 18 years of my life I cannot remember a time when I came home and it was so peaceful. So quiet, so silent... everything was so still.

My head was spinning of a foreign excitement when I turned the key in the lock and opened that door. All I saw was darkness. No TV was running, no computer was turned on. There were no familiar footsteps to be heard. Everything was still and I could feel the peace flowing from those rooms right through me, a feeling I have never felt before when I entered a house.

When I turned on the kitchen lights everything was a mess, but I didn't care. When I went into the livingroom the floor was covered with random stuff lying around with no purpose, I didn't care. In the bedroom the bedsheets were torn off and thrown on the floor and the table was filled with dishes that didn't belong there, I still didn't care.
The house was mine for the night, and mine alone.

It's so strange, being in this messed up appartment, and yet feel so calm and peaceful. I actually look forward to tomorrow when I can clean everything, without the mocking eyes of my family or any other person watching my every move. Without TV blasting its soundwaves through my brain, without the presence of any other being around me.

All alone and yet I feel good. I don't feel any loneliness. I just feel a time, short as it may be, in which I can think quietly and talk with my Lord. Some quiet time, finally.
I hope to be able to spend these hours I have thinking about my future, discussing about my future, questioning my next move in life.

I am grateful for this peaceful feeling that has come over me tonight, and I hope you, my dearest readers, will experience it as well sometime. May not be by entering an empty house, lol... probably won't be, but I hope you'll experience it. :)

This is a video I did a while ago.
The theme is from a horror based game called F.E.A.R. and it's pretty creepy, so don't watch the video if you don't like creepy stuff xD

Well, the music is not my own, it's a mix of the original music from the game, a song called Alma's Music Box, however most of the lyrics are my own and I'm singing them. :)
The video images were made by Yoel, thanks again, Noobie! :D

The original doesn't have any lyrics or voice and I found none on Youtube where the song, in so many different variations, does have a voice, so I decided to be the first to add voice to it then, and see what people think about it. :)



P.S. Be afraid of Alma... be very afraid!
(couldn't help myself! (angel))

Been drawing with soft pastel lately. Gah, my hands get so extremely dirty all the time, and I keep forgetting not to touch anything! xD

I'm not very good with pastel though. I'm not quite sure how to use it.
Anyway... my first attempts with soft pastel aren't too extremely bad, I think.
What do you guys think? :P

The bird is the first one I did. This one I rather like. :)






The fox looks too nooby to me, I don't really like it too much... But w/e, it's an attempts, so :P

"Look ppl, new template!!" - 5 days later - "omg look, new template!!"

Lol, sorry people, I couldn't restrain myself. I needed a new template! Wow, I make it sound like I have OCD or something :P

I need a new template, aaaahhhh!!!!!!

Lol, nah. But I did mention last time that I'd change it again soon. So there, winkydoodle, or whatever the name of that dinosaur from my previous template was, he's gone to bed. :P

I hope I won't be changing templates too soon anymore, else it'll get all confusing for me as well, lol.
So well, I hope you like the new one. ;)
Cheers!

I was browsing through deviantART when I randomly clicked the Random Deviant button. And guess who I found there, so randomly!!

Nobody specific... :p

However, that person did critique a certain picture, and when I saw that picture...!
I had randomly bumped on the most awesome series of Alice in Wonderland inspired pictures I had ever seen in my life.
I am still awe struck with how great these pictures are, and I'm still all O_O.....

The colours, the materials, the effects, the expressions... They all add up to the best pictures I've seen on deviantART so far.
They really are awesome, and the model is very beautiful and creative with her costumes, her makeup, her entire setup.
It really is worth seeing; not only these pictures but the rest of them as well.
I highly recommend visiting her page.

Artist: http://ophelias-overdose.deviantart.com/

Ceshire Cat

Queen of Hearts

Catterpillar

Alice

Mad Hatter

I just realized, it's Thursday and I haven't updated about the concert yet. :O

Silly me!! >.<

Well, it was a great concert :D I couldn't say it any other way.

When we arrived at the Student's Cultural House the guys inside were setting everything up for the Proconsul band. The usual, microphones, speakers, instruments, etc.

After a little talk with some people Cornel, my brother in law, and Liviu, guy Cornel plays with, started setting their own stuff up on the stage.

It was an amusing sight, because Cornel had brought his smaller amplifier and it looked so funny next to those huge speakers!! xD

After they finished setting their stuff up we (Cornel, Shari, my older sister, and me) went to the mall to the foodcourt to meet my mother, my younger sister and another guy. Wasn't such a great experience in there. 

You see, I love the foodcourt in that mall. They have nothing but awesome food (except for the pork, yuck!) and it smells so great in there to all the different kinds of food :D But now obviously I couldn't eat almost anything from there...

Once I came in there I felt the tears come up in my eyes. I kept fighting to keep them back, and it worked for about 10 minutes. But when Shari and I went to pick out our own food I couldn't hold it anymore. 

I started crying, and it was stupid because I didn't know why exactly I was crying. I shouldn't have been crying. I knew I couldn't eat all the stuff and I was alright with it. But still I cried... without wanting to.

My sister comforted me, saying it'll be alright. Then we got our food anyway and we went back to the table. I had stopped crying, but when my mother and younger sister had left to buy their tickets for the concert Cornel came to comfort me as well and I started crying again. It was hard to keep it back and when looked at the icecream Shari had bought me (I'm allowed 2 icecreams a week) I started crying again and I had to leave the table.

It was strange, I just couldn't eat that icecream. Two of Shari's friends who had accidentally bumped into us must've thought I'm nuts, lol. The weird girl who cries just by looking at her icecream. xD

I went to the bathroom and sat there locked inside one of the booths. I had to calm down fast because the concert had to start in about 10 minutes and Cornel and Liviu had to play after the first band. I grabbed my phone and signed into skype so Noobie (my nickname for him) could calm me down. He wasn't at his computer but just seeing him online stopped me from crying.

Then my sister came in and stayed with me for about 5 minutes after which we got up and left cause we were already late.

I was fine after, I had a headache, but that's normal with me. I always have headaches lately, something to do with my condition, idk. :P

But I was better, I was fine once we got out of that foodcourt. I could even eat my icecream, and GAWD was it GOOD!!! xD

Once we got to the concert hall (Shari and I got in for free, buahaha!) Cornel went backstage and my sister and me found seats next to my mother and younger sister.

The first band was alrightish. I didn't catch only their last song since we were late. They didn't manage to get too much movement out of the crowd though, but that's not unusual when the crowd is sitting in chairs.

Then it was Cornel and Liviu who came on stage, and they were marvelous again. :D 

Cornel with his little amplifier, so funny xD But the sound was good. :)

They played their Jacob's Song at the end and that brought good movement out of the crowd and they even yelled BIS BIS afterwards! So they played another song and everybody got their mobile phone's out and waved with them through the air, lol. It was funny. :P

Later, after the concert, the lead singer from the Proconsul band approached Cornel and told him that his Jacob's song was so awesome and that they should do some projects together sometime. It was a really amazing offer since Proconsul is pretty known in Romania. :)

After Cornel and Liviu played the Proconsul Band came on stage and they gave a marvelous concert. :D I had never seen or heard from them before (I don't really keep track of many bands or musicians anymore these days) but they were very good, and they got very good response from the crowd - especially from Cornel, who joined us, Shari and me, we were jumping up and down, lol - and they sang many worship songs and you could see that they were really worshipping on stage. 

The lead singer, I think his name is Bodo, was having so much fun and you could just feel his enthusiasm. It was really great.

They sang a lot of songs. I knew some of them, because they were from other artists, but some of them were from Proconsul themselves, and they were also really good. Cornel obviously knew them because he was singing along as loud as he could, lol.

In the end it was a good concert, and I had fun. :) And I'm really happy I could go along in the end. :D

My weekend was good, I hope yours was good as well. ;)

So, I've decided to go along with the rest of the class-minnions and take the pictures needed for the class album.
It's just pictures to put in a photo album so us students would remember each other when we're 100 years old. But I never wanted to take them, because I don't believe that there is that thing called "our united class".
I'm not exagerating, our class just isn't very united, and so I don't see the point of a photo album that costs way too much and will end up in a dusty cubboard up in the attic anyway.
However, I've decided to take them now only for one reason.
The location.

The pictures will be taken in a castle nearby that I've never heard of before and which I obviously would like to visit now. and since through this I have the chance to go with my friend (girl in the picture from the photo widget in the sidebar) I think it would be a good idea to go. :)

I've asked my father if I can lend his photo camera, so I can take pictures of the castle, and amazingly he said yes. :D
Now I can't wait to get there! I'm not even worrying about what clothes I'm going to wear or how my hair is going to look like, all I want from this trip is the sight of tall stone walls and elegant towers, and a trip with my friend. :)

I'll probably be someplace completely different when it's my turn to get my picture taken, lol. And I'm most definitely not making an album. If I need their picture I'll simply take them from the internet. We're in the 21st century after all, eh. :P

Weekend is here, and I'm already hoping for a treat on saturday. :D

My brother in law is going in concert with another artist, and I'd like to go with him to the city where the concert will be held.
So far everybody is saying yes, but I have this strange feeling that problems may start to occur soon. First of all, because that's how it always is. I'm not kidding, nearly everytime I want to do something or go somewhere something keeps me from it and I'm like: >_>.
Second of all, because I think I heard my mother say that there may be problems with where we'd sleep when we get there, and whatnot else.

However, for now I'm still hopeful. :)
I'm going to keep believing that I'll be able to go, and then we'll see tomorrow.

So far my weekend is going alright, I don't really want to linger on the bad things that happened today. I prefer to just drop them and enjoy what I have right now. :)

I hope your weekend will go well and as planned, and I hope it'll be loads of fun. :)

I'm sure that you've obviously noticed the change in templates (again :P) of this blog.
I felt that with the recent change you all now know of that my blog needed another change.
So I went online and searched for a good template to use now, and I found two.

I chose this one because it's green and the dinosaur was too cute to not let it prance next to the title of my blog. :P
I'm not too fond of the dark brown on the right collumn, but I may start messing around with the HTML and change it - problem would be that I don't know anything about HTML and I'll probably break it :P

The second one I found I will also use, sooner or later. So, gonna be a surprise, I guess :P
I'll probably get bored of the simplicity of the current template, so yeah...

I hope you guys like the dinosaur, though :P Curious what name I should give him (yes male... he's a male cause I says so. :P)

3 days into the diet and look at this... I'm aliivveee!!!!!!

Lol, it's not as bad as I thought it would be. That's most likely thanks to my sister who's been super supportive and made me food, and forced me to eat it. xD But it wasn't that bad. :)

I do miss those sandwiches I used to eat. Sigh... me wants now D;
But oh well, I'll get over it. I'll forget what it tastes like, and I'll forget all about the sandwich, lol. It'll be fine :)

I did eat one thing this morning that I shouldn't have. This yoghurt thing with 3% fat in it. But hey, not that bad, I guess... I was simply in a hurry. I remember thinking: ok, I'm going to hell!

Lol, not that bad... I'll get used to eating the things I should in the morning. I'm not used to eating in the morning, so I'm kinda all proud that I managed to eat in the morning every morning for three days, lol.

Keep on going, yup... keep on going :)
Not that hard, thanks to all the support I'm getting from everybody, I don't feel so alone :)

Today (or tomorrow, I'm really bad with the number of days a month has, but w/e :P) is the last day of the first month since I have this blog, and I'd like to take a look at the overview.

I started out with the explanation to why I named my blog like this, and where my username originates from, both the same place obviously :P

I had ups and downs, and I wrote about them; and I can safely say that after writing it all down for you, trusted readers, to read made me feel better everytime.

I met new people, most important one of them being Panic Girl, who's faithfully read all my posts and gave me useful comments I could buil on.

I made it through the month with this blog, people, and I have no intention of abandoning it. I have no intention of just stopping.
One month... and I intend to make it a few more at least :)

My trusted readers, thanks for reading so far! I hope you keep on returning for the posts to come :)

Just a small post saying thanks to Panic Girl and that noob of a Yoeper/Moe' Suckra. :P
You're both really sweet :)

Panic Girl, thanks for wanting to help me out, means a lot :D I would just like you to know that just reading your blog encourages me enough from your part, so you don't have to start the diet; my older sister decided to do it with me, so I think that's good enough. :)

And noob, I'm already grateful if you just make me food xD
And you don't have to eat just what I eat as well, I know you love cheese too much :P

It encourages me that I have the two of you behind me from the other side of the world :)
And my sister from right here. What more could I wish for, right?

I truly am blessed!

Nearly two weeks have gone and only now do I appear again with a new post to this blog. I have my various reasons for being absent, one of them being the lack of events in those two weeks and the other my incredibly encouraging talk with my doctor.

Yup... doctor, this is what this post will be about. I can't not write about the event, because it appears to be a rather big event in my life right now, and so I'd like to share with you guys, my trusted readers.

So, I'll start from the beginning of this story, so it will be more clear to those of you who don't know what the frack I'm talking about :P

About a month ago I went to see a doctor, a specialist in *insert her domain of work here*. She examined me, and they took my blood and told me to come back when the results were ready.
The reason why I went in the first place is because I've been having headaches and stomachaches, and all kind of strange anomalies with my body. First doctor I went to gave me a treatment which resulted in me being in even more pain and a humonguess gain of weight (at least 20 kg).
So this time I went to see the doctor who was the best in the region and obviously specialised in he field.

So here I am, a month later, sitting in the waiting room. I could notice that the whole floor had been renovated, everything renewed, it was quite comfortable for a hospital. I'm watching the door waiting for the lady before me to come out, and when she finally does I get up, take my jacket and go inside, along with my mother.
The doctor asked a few questions, looked at the results of my blood tests, and then started talking doctor-gibberish with her assistant with a few breaks to talk on the phone to anounce her friend she was leaving for Germany (don't ask, doctors are a bit weird from where I come from) after which she turned to my mother and I and started:

"The good news is you don't have diabetes. The bad news is your body thinks you do so it acts as if you have diabetes. If you don't treat this now you will have severe diabetes in about 20 years, so to prevent this you will have to go on a very strict diet. I've written down some things you aren't allowed to eat anymore and the things you are still allowed to eat."

I look at her with scared eyes. I hate diets, they are always useless in my oppinion. But hearing that I have a "wannabe" diabetes which could develop into a very severe case of diabetes wasn't a very pretty thing to look forward to.

"Alright, no cookies and sweets obviously. Definitely no sugar, no honey, no cheese, no bananas, no pears, no grapes, no peanuts or any other kind of nut. No bread, no potatoes, no pasta or spaghetti, only with tomato sauce without meat and no more than 3 times a week........"

The list went on, and eventually she said everything I eat in my everyday life. I was looking at her, eyes wide and eventually just stated that I couldn't eat anything I could buy in a store anymore. She laughed at my remark, since I said it with a half smile, and then gave a list of what I could eat.

"You can eat apples, vegetables, oranges, low fat yoghurt, low fat this low fat that..."

This made me a bit more comfortable, although still I felt like crying. I smiled and laughed, and made jokes about the whole thing. My mother laughed, the doctor laughed, the assistent laughed. It was allright, everything was.
She also told me a series of medication I had to take for a longer period of time. I'll become a junkie now, lol. I don't like the medication, but what can I do...

I am now still holding my tears in, I'm still strong enough to tell myself it's going to be alright. It's a big change in my lifestyle, I will have to be treated like a diabetic, just without the insuline shots.
What I hate the most is that I have no other choice but to drag my family into this; they need to adapt to my style of living now, because if I fail with this entire diet thing there's a big chance I'll be dead by 50.

Despite the fact that I am not very fascinated about the whole near future right now, on some level I am amused. I can laugh about my made up term for my condition - "wannabe" diabetes - and I am amused that my life could have such a drastic turn of events. I do believe that this may eventually turn out into something good.
The next few weeks, however, I am not awaiting gladly. I was never a big fan of drastic changes, but I guess right now I'll have to accept it as it is and do as the nice doctor says. ;)

In my last post I wrote I was looking forward to the night in church. Well, that didn't go through due to people having to be someplace else. However, the night did prove to be a good one, and it surely brightened me up :)

I went off to the Casa de Cultura (House of Culture) for the guitar class my brother in law gives, and played kindergarten teacher.
It was fun, despite the fact I couldn't really pay attention to what my brother was saying. I had two little girls of 7 and 8 to explain the guitar things to, my brother has the tendency to go a bit too fast for them. :P They're both very smart and they catch on extremely quick.
What was another awesome thing that brightened me up was that I managed to be nice and welcoming to two new boys joining our class. At the end I said I hoped they'd come again and they both flashed a smile and said they'd be back. Made me smile too :) Partially cause one of them was nice and the other one was pretty hot. xD
Anyhoooo.... the night was good. Those two guy coming and me being able to be nice to them (and the only one to approach them) despite my mood brightened me up, because even though it seemed small, it's an achievement. :)

I woke up early the next morning. Well... 8 am ish, a bit late for the first class in school but that was alright. I called my friend, asked if she was in school, she was so I said I'd come as well.
The morning was very beautiful, and warm. I could really smell spring in the air. I didn't pay too much attention to the people and cars around me, I just smelled the air and listened to the soundtrack of Dirty Dancing, one of my favorite soundtracks of all time!

I managed to stay until the end of school, which was 2 pm, even survived a test. And at the end my mood still wasn't broken into pieces.
A good day, I must say. Lets hope I can keep it up. :)

I'm a bit better today.
No school, still, however I did get up at 8:30-ish and watched Walt Disney's Fantasia. Calmed me down a bit more that did. Fantasia - a marvelous piece of art.
I then started on my painting and nearly finished it, had lunch and then accepted the offer of a cup of tea - something I had been refusing for the past week despite the fact that I do like tea a lot.
I even picked up my book - The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring - and continued reading, another thing I hadn't been doing, for over 2-3 weeks now.
I am getting better indeed. Although I don't seem to be able to get out of the house yet. I couldn't make the decision to go to the library with my mother and sister today. I guess for more reasons... or I plainly just don't know. Probably that last.

I think that today I want to read. I wish I could read all day today, but I still have to go out to the Casa de Cultura (House of Culture) after which I have to go to church so I can try to follow my brother in law who leads the worship on his guitar. He wants me to learn the songs on my own guitar so I can fill in for him when he's out of the country. I'm not going to give my opinion on that fact, I simply decided to do as he says, I have too much else to worry about. Let him worry about this.
I am, however, looking forward to tonight's meeting. My brother in law is an extremely skilled guitar player and thought the songs are at a normal speed he adds things which makes the chords more complex, faster and harder to follow. I remain behind a lot, but I like it at that speed and while he plays because then I can just mind my own business without anybody interfering; they're busy singing themselves.
I hope tonight will be the same as last time, and I really hope that my mood of the past days won't interfere.
Maybe I'll feel even better.
Hopes are up.

This song also made me feel a bit better today. :)

I couldn't keep it away; that mood I told you about from my last post. It got through the little defense lines I had, and it's been devouring me for 3 days now.
I haven't gone to school, I haven't gone out of the house, I haven't worked on my paintings, I haven't done anything I should have been doing. I've just been playing computer games and watching TV shows until 5 in the morning.
I wish it would stop. I wish it would go away and leave me alone. I'm not even sure what "it" is.
I just want to be able to look at myself in the mirror and smile. Just smile at myself and others.

I was told that the reason why there is never anybody there when I need them is because I've got to learn to take care of myself without any help. I agree, that's the reason. It's how life works, can't change it.
It's what I've been doing for 11 years now. For 11 long years I've been taking care of myself without any help from anybody else, and here I am. Still broken. So... life isn't fair.
Funny thing is I can't even say that line with anger anymore. I've accepted it: life isn't fair. A mother and a child are both hungry, starving, but the child dies. Is that fair? No... life isn't fair. And there's nothing we can do to change about it, as much as we'd like to be able to. It's life and it's a bitch.

The way I've known life for the past 11 years; it wasn't fair. Maybe I make things worse than they seem though, who knows. Maybe I live in a paradise and shouldn't feel this threatened by my surroundings, my family. Maybe I should listen to those people who've been through a lot themselves too and who tell me that I should be pleased with what I have.
Well... what can I say. It's in the nature of the human to never be happy about what they have. I'm no different. However, all I want to do when I meet a person who tells me that I should be happy is to turn around and say "if you knew about my past you would throw that line in your own face.". But I never do, because again... it wouldn't be fair. And life is unfair enough already, no need for me to add more chaos.

I don't really know what I'm trying to say here. I don't even know if I have a point. I've just been stuck for 3 days and I'm still not showing signs of any recovery. I'm getting tired of it. I'm getting tired of having to fake it to my sister. And tonight I'll have to fake that smile for my dad as well.
I'm tired... exhausted; I don't know what to do anymore. And I'm not expecting any help either. I'm on my own.

No... I don't want it!
I feel that mood of despair and sadness starting to come over me again. And I don't want it! I want it to leave me alone!
Now I'm just hovering around the house, looking at random things, thinking about random nothings just to try to keep that mood away from me. I don't want it! I'm scared of what will happen when it comes.

Why is it that everytime I need your help you're not around? It's like a curse or something... whenever my mood is shifting into something bad you're either sleeping, or at school or I don't know where else you could be. I don't blame you, it's just my bad luck.

So now, that I'm alone again, trying my hardest to keep my thoughts positive and keep those tears away, I just sit here; don't have anything to do.
I could paint, but painting often lets my mind trail off and in this situation I'd rather not.

I have a feeling that this won't be over by tomorrow. It needs to be, I need to go to school, and this mood always keeps me from doing so. I'm dropping, falling, out of control.
I suppose it would be easy for people to just tell me to get over it, to just control it like a normal person. But I have no control.
I am at the mercy of angels and demons.

Bad day, bad day!
First I wake up to a nightmare of people being killed, and a pregnant woman being stabbed. I mean... what the frell is up with that?!
Then, I get yelled at by 3 teachers cause idk what and this and that, all at the same time. And I just have to keep smiling and pretending I don't mind so I wouldn't seem disrespectful; that would just make them scream even more.
Then, while I'm running down the stairs to get as far away as possible from that wretched school, some jerks laugh and call me fat, like it's my fault! Not my fault I have medical problems! And I still had to pretend to my friend like everything was fine and nothing bothered me, and smile to the sun and make jokes like: how many fingers am I holding up? *waves hands like a lunatic*

Meh... I just want to stay inside and never have to come out and see people ever again.

What am I doing with my life anyway? I failed to present a decent preview of my project. I failed at keeping strong. I haven't done anything for my audition that I have in about a week. And I fail at.... lets admit it, pretty much everything!
And I know, I sound very stupid complaining like this. Complaining complaining complaining, seems like I don't know how to do anything else anymore. I shouldn't even post this. But there is nobody else to listen, and things are just too much right now to hold to myself.
I can't call my friend cause she's in class and will still be in class for at least 2 more hours, I can't call my other friend cause he's still sleeping due to time difference. And there's nobody else left...
So bear with me... please...

Sometimes it's just too much. Sometimes I have no more control over my temper and I lash out without warning.
Just now was one of those moments. My sister accused me of something I didn't do, and I lost it making her cry.
I've been stressed for months now, and my temper is already very vulcanic, uncontrollable, so imagine how stress amplified that. And now I'm even more upset about the fact that I made her cry... again.

I'm such an imbecile! I hate making her cry, I hate treating her badly, I hate being a bitch to her. But everytime again, everyday, every hour I'm around her I do it, and I can't control it. No self-control whatsoever.
Makes me ask myself, how much longer until I kill someone! Perhaps just to kill myself now, so I can prevent it.

I don't know... I don't know anything anymore. I don't understand myself! One minute I'm smiling, I'm alright, the next I sink down into darkness and can see only negatives. Being bipolar is annoying as hell!
The selfish thing is that I have to implicate other people into my moods and either go hyper on them until they kick me out of the room either yell at them and then run out of the room myself, hurting their feelings like nobody ever should.

Ugh, life! I beg of you to stop trying so hard for I'm unworthy of your gift!
Protect the others from me, please...

When I glance out my window I see a gray sky from the rain. I see the twilight embracing the thin branches of the tall trees. And I feel sad. I tell myself that it's because the sky is weeping, but it's in fact the tears inside my mind. 


Such selfishness, to cry for your own situation, for the things that happen to yourself. I'm guessing all you do is make your own life miserable! Your own fault that you let those faulty tears flow! It's not the rain, it's not the oncoming darkness, it's your own poisoned mind.


And this I tell to myself, as a reminder to dry those poison tears, and replace them with more colour and more life. Because every one of those tears adds a drop of stone to your heart. Every tear takes away a piece of the love you can give and replaces it with poisoned hate.


Sounds cruel, I know... but it's reality. Crying about everything is easier than making an effort for your joy. Crying doesn't feel like a hard thing to do. Well, that's exactly why it's no good! Everything worthy in life is earned. and you earn things by making an effort.


And no, there's no cheating :P 


Making an effort to be happy is hard, so hard. I remember falling back into that dark pit over and over again. I remember how it felt to feel my nails getting ripped off because I tried climbing out of that hole. I remember the pain, the suffering; everytime I fell back my heart felt shattered again and again and again. But it's always worth it! Life is always worth it even though it never seems like it. And you always have to go through the worst to be able to appreciate it fully. 


I've gone through being abused, to being rejected, to being the suicidal girl nobody understood. And I know that the worst probably isn't over yet, there is more to come. But I try to hold my chin up high and I choose to believe in a happy ending. I choose to believe there is such thing as a wonderful and beautiful world; somewhere out there... there must be.

I wake up to the sound of my ringtone. Not unusual, since my friend always calls me to tell me to wake up and come to school! Everytime the same conversation.


Her: What you doing?
Me: At home...
Her: Coming to school?
Me: Meh, I don't know...
Her: Come on, come to school, it's so boring!
Me: (sigh) Alright, I'll be there in an hour.


However, today it was slightly different, with a pleasent surprise. :)


Her: Coming to school?
Me: Meh, I don't know...
Her: Come on! I got flowers and you'll get something too, just come!
Me: OK :D


Lol... at first I didn't know why she got flowers, and I didn't realise the date. It was the 8th of March! The day in honor of the woman.


So, I arrived at school and my friend shows me the flowers. They're those small white flowers that are the symbol of spring. Then another girl comes up to me and gives me a little box with a small porselain angel inside holding a little blue giftbox. It was sweet of her, and I was glad I got something, since usually I never get anything. It was a pleasent surprise. :)


After school, my friend and I walked down the street, and everywhere there were people selling flowers. Everywhere beautiful bouquets!
Everywhere you looked you could see boyfriends and husbands walk around with flowers in their hands to give to their loved one.


Beautiful day, full of surprises :)

This lady was selling her flowers at an exceptionally cheap price.
photo by Jana Weyts

And here I am. Stressed out, because I have to prepare a preview of my art project by Thursday. And what do I have?... nada! nothing...

I may have an idea though, for the theme. I'll probably go with floral theme. Or something like that.

I also think that I should stop thinking about what I will draw and just put a piece of paper in front of me and start. Make a whole painting, a piece of art from nothing.

Easier said than done though, I'm afraid. My inspiration still doesn't feel like doing me a favor. I'm guessing it likes to see those tortured emotions on my face too much.

Sigh, so much to do, so little time! I can't believe how incredibly annoying it feels to be forced to do something for months and months at a time. Makes me wanna climb upa cliff and jump off just so I could feel the freedom of flying! 

Ah, freedom... how I long for it!

Boredom kills me lately!
It's weird cause I shouldn't be bored at all. I have so many things I SHOULD be doing, but I never come around to it; probably because of mutliple reasons, the biggest one of them being that I just don't want to!


Being in my final year of highschool I have major exams coming up, and on top of that I have a rather huge project I have to finish for my art class.
I hate being pushed to do things, I hate feeling trapped by what other people want me to do. It reminds me of how I sit in this cage along with all those things society tells you you should be doing.
I guess it could be compared to being trapped inside the matrix! 
Unfortunately I don't have a Morpheus to swoop in and pull me out with the lines: you take the blue pill your journey ends here, you take the red pill and I'll show you just how deep the rabbit hole goes...
I would take the red pill. That would most definitely mean a harder life, but a life in freedom!


Well... in any case, I'm stuck right now. Stuck in life as I know it, and I can't change it for God knows what reason. I need to prepare for those exams - although that isn't the hardest part; I need to work on my art project! However, because I am forced to do it I have lost all my inspiration, and I've lost all my determination along with it. 
I love painting, drawing, colouring... but with this I am forced into it. And I am NOT forced. It might sound like I'm being a stubborn little idiot, but my stubbordness is something I can not control. 
I am battling my way through this project, against myself. In my mind... it's a fierce and violent battle... 
Now just to see which one of me is going to win.

I love the night. It's magical, it's romantic, exciting; it's a time
when horror stories are told with a flashlight for extra scary
effects. As I said, the night is magical. :)

However, as much as I love the night I also fear it.
Whenever I see the twilight outside my window I dread the moments
before I fall asleep. It's because of those thoughts; they keep my
mind clear awake while the rest of my being suffers from exhaustian.
Stress is loving the sight of my torture; causing pain for sport. It
fills my head with phrases like "You'll never finish that project in
time, your ideas suck, hardy har har!!"; keeps me awake for hours.

At a certain point it got so bad that I started having mild panic
attacks. I would start tossing and turning violently in my bed, tears
would flow down my cheeks and create wet spots on my pillow...

After a while I found a way to avoid those situations as much as
possible and just fall asleep peacefully:
Distractions!

At first they weren't very good distractions. I would stay awake until
I eventually passed out.
I'm stupid I know, lol.
Then, however, I figured out a faster and better way. My phone's
screen is so bright - even at the lowest brightness - that it would
exhaust my eyes in record time. I would play games or browse the net
for pictures. Then, after my eyes were tired I would listen to a
number of songs which would make me fall asleep.
Distractions of the mind. ;)
Once you figure out how you can distract yourself you'll be fine most
of the time. :)

Broken... abandoned. When those are the words you use to describe how you feel you automatically feel all alone with not a soul out there to help you. You wish it would never happen to you, you try to avoid it as much as possible, but then suddenly it's there; and you can't stop it.

You start having thoughts that scare you, thoughts that add to the loneliness, thoughts that haunt your every breath. 

"Nobody wants me... they left me alone... I'm useless... not worthy of anybody's affection... not worthy of love and life itself!"

Oh, those words... those thoughts that are like ghost whispers in the wind.

I've felt like that countless times. In the past; my childhood. Even now those thought-demons still haunt the dark corners of my mind, waiting for a situation to strike so they can jump out and create those unbearable, chaotic moments. Then I hear them scream with evil pleasure telling me I'm nothing, nothing! And I feel that there is nobody around me to help. 

It's so strange to hear annoyingly loud screaming inside my mind and complete silence outside of it.

Never have I had people to go to when I was feeling these pains. At first I was just hiding it, then I realized nobody actually understood it anyway. I tried... but I always ended up in more pain.

It took me a long time to realize that people who could tell me things like "Don't think like that! Of course you're not worthless, you're special!" aren't the only remedy to my pain. 

I found that taking my closest friend - my golden retriever - out into nature saved me from my agony. I could feel her warmth when we were out there. I could feel the magic of the trees and the grass embrace me and cradle me like a mother would her child. I could talk about anything, and feel like I was understood. I would receive answers. Out there, in that sweet embrace of nature and it's belongings I felt love; and I knew that God was smiling down on me. Out there I didn't feel alone. I was broken and abandoned with no one to understand; then I was welcomed by the silent voices of fauna and flora.

photo by Jana Weyts

photo by Jana Weyts

Sometimes I stop and think there is so much in life that we have to deal with. Joy, suffering, happiness and pain... they start to pop up everywhere and change everything. It's rather exciting, I think, to see how emotions just meddle with everything turning our lives into the unexpected.

The way I see it it's a journey. A journey on a road which lies ahead of us constantly, never to turn and step in the other direction again.

Funny thing is that so many people see that endless road in front of them, so they start walking as fast as they can. They try to get as fast as possible at their destination, which they set themselves; money, fame, the perfect job, the perfect house. They try to find shortcuts and step off the road into the tall grass without realizing they're missing one of the most magical things in this world... those moments in life that make the journey worthwhile.

I'm one of those people. I just walk and walk... or I just stop and sit and refuse to go any further. Not a smart thing to do, I know, lol...
Crazy thing is that I know all the facts. I know that I miss out on so much just cause I keep my eyes focused on what I want to happen in the future. I'm doing it wrong! lol :P
I'm gonna try to change it though. I'm gonna try to go slower and look around for a change. I'm gonna pay attention to what I see around me and who's paths cross with my own. I'm going to stop at a crossroads and think about where I'm going. Stop and think, girl... stop and think.

Eventually things will turn out the way they're supposed to. I guess some call that destiny. :P
I believe in destiny, to be honest. But I believe that you can choose your own destiny. You choose the path you want to take, and the path you choose has it's own destiny. Makes sense to me. :P

Bright star, would I were steadfast as thou art —
Not in lone splendour hung aloft the night
And watching, with eternal lids apart,
Like Nature's patient, sleepless Eremite,
The moving waters at their priestlike task
Of pure ablution round earth's human shores,
Or gazing on the new soft-fallen mask
Of snow upon the mountains and the moors —
No — yet still stedfast, still unchangeable,
Pillow'd upon my fair love's ripening breast,
To feel for ever its soft swell and fall,
Awake for ever in a sweet unrest,
Still, still to hear her tender-taken breath,
And so live ever — or else swoon to death.

                                   

This is the famous sonnet by John Keats, written in 1818 for his fiancé. It has been my favorite sonnet since I first read it. I'm sure it's not without notice that this is also where I got my username from and also the title of this blog. What can I say, I needed something to put up there, and let's face it: originality is not something I have the patience to wait for, even if it is myself who has to come up with it. :P


Well, I don't really expect too many people to follow this blog. I'm not even sure if I will end up maintaining it properly, be that due to lack of time or lack of inspiration. I've made blogs in the past, but I hope that this time I will be able to keep up with it for a while at least. :)


Since it is the first post in this blog I think it's just fair to give a shoutout to my first follower, who also happens to be my sweet friend, who I love dearly. My sweet, sweet Suria! ^.^ Thanks, love, for being so stalkery and the first to follow my blog. ;)


My intention for this blog is to post stories and pictures. Not much to go on, I know, lol... but I'm not quite sure yet what I'll make of this blog, or what it will turn out to be.
In any case, I hope that everybody that will follow this blog will enjoy what I have to say. :)